


Hypothetically

by The_girlwholived



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Oneshot, Panic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-09 22:22:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14724692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_girlwholived/pseuds/The_girlwholived
Summary: After accidentally consuming chocolate as a dog, Sirius wonders if he is going to die.





	Hypothetically

"Moony," said Sirius, the gentle rain against Gryffindor tower the only other sound in the silent dormitory. It was still, and empty: they were the only students here who had stayed for the Christmas holidays. Remus stayed half asleep, hearing his voice from a distance, at least until there was a shout.

"Moons!"

A finger poked at his eye, and he frowned, opening his eyes. Light bled into them from the torches on the wall.

"What is it? What time is it? Is it serious?"

It was still dark outside, showing it was the middle of the night, and as if to show the severity of the situation, Sirius didn't even make a pun.

"Yes, Remus!" He hissed. "It is deadly serious, in fact my life depends on it. Do you think I would die if I ate chocolate as a dog?"

Remus groaned, flopping back against his pillows. "Sirius, you have got to stop waking me up in the middle of the night to ask me these stupid questions."

"Honestly, though."

Remus could see his worried face above his own, glossy black hair pulled back into a little ponytail at the back of his head. Sirius Black had just turned seventeen, but Remus mused over the question if he would ever grow up.

"I need to know. You know everything."

"I don't know," he said, yawning. "Maybe?"

Sirius paused, looked a little more panicked. "Ah."

Remus stared. "Sirius, what did you do?"

"When I was Padfoot, I may or may not have eaten a half empty packet of chocolate cauldrons under James' bed. Oh Remus, am I going to die?"

Remus sat up, staring. "Oh Merlin," he said at last. "Christ, Sirius - I don't know. Do you feel sick?"

"Yes," he moaned. "I think I can feel the poison spreading through my blood. Oh fuck, Moony - I'm too young to die! I'm only seventeen! The room is spinning!"

"You won't die," Remus soothed, but he was beginning to worry himself.

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Four! I'm dying, Remus, not fucking blind! Maybe we should get Pomfrey. Or Minnie. Or -"

"We can't get them, it's the middle of the night!"

Sirius took a deep breath. "IS NOT GETTING IN TROUBLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN SAVING THE LIFE OF YOUR BOYFRIEND?"

"Of course not," Remus said quickly, sliding out of bed. "But maybe if you hadn't eaten the fucking chocolate in the first place we wouldn't be having this problem!"

"Well maybe if James cleaned up after himself I wouldn't feel the urge! A dog has his needs!"

Remus didn't have time for this. "Where's the map?"

He rummaged through James' half empty chest, then cursed himself and held up his wand. "Accio map!"

It flew out from under Peter's bed, disturbing a small mountain of sweet wrappers and several socks. Sirius lay on the bed and clutched his forehead dramatically.

"Remus, I'm dying! Only the kiss of true love can save me."

"Shut up - I solemnly swear I am up to no good...."

"I feel it spreading! It's coming for me, it's creeping, it's-"

The door to the dormitory opened, just as ink began to bleed onto the parchment, and Remus hurriedly put it down as Professor McGonagall glared into the room.

"What on earth is all the shouting about?"

Sirius whimpered.

"Professor," Remus said, a little shakily. "If - and this is just hypothetical, mind - if an animagus happened to eat something poisonous to their animagus forms while in that form-"

"Hypothetically," Sirius added hurriedly.

" - could it still poison them?"

The light from the torches glinted off her glasses.

"Mr Lupin," she said at last. "Are you aware that it is two o'clock in the morning and you two have just woken up probably the entire castle with your screaming and you are now asking me a ridiculous question?"

"Yes, but Professor, it's important. For - for learning purposes. For Transfiguration."

"Yeah, Professor," Sirius continued. "We've been so excited by the question that we couldn't sleep at all. We need to know the answer."

" _Hypothetically_ ," she said, her Scottish accent thicker than ever.

"Yes. Hypothetically."

She gave the sigh of a long - suffering woman, and then spoke. "I don't think it should be poisonous as a human. If, say, just hypothetically, an animagus dog was to eat chocolate, it would not harm him at all, for chocolate is of course harmless to humans. But that's just an example, isn't it boys? I doubt it could happen in real life."

Her lips were twitching.

"No, Professor," Remus said meekly.

"But Minnie-"

"Professor McGonagall, Mr Black."

"Yeah, that. So could I - I mean the hypothetical dog animagus-"

"Of course."

" - eat human things dogs aren't supposed to?"

"Yes, this animagus should be fine."

"Great. So does that mean that he could eat dog food as a dog and be okay?"

"Yes, Mr Black, I'm sure it would be perfectly safe. Now is that all your questions answered?"

"Yes Professor," he said, sitting up.

"Yes, thank you. Goodnight," Remus said, as she left the dormitory.

They both climbed into their beds and there was silence, at least until Sirius said thoughtfully, "I've always wondered what dog food tastes like."

"You can wonder," Remus said sleepily. "I'm not kissing you after you've eaten dog food."


End file.
